The telly that won't go away

I've been lumbered with Wendy's massive 28" widescreen telly. She sold it on eBay before she went off to Australia. The successful bidder wouldn't come to pick it up in time before she moved, so I took the telly for her. Then the buyer refused to come to pick it up (even though my address was more convenient for him). The deal fell through and I got stuck with the TV.

Second attempt at selling the telly: I re-sold the TV on eBay again. Then... the successful bidder emailed me to say "sorry I clicked on it by mistake". And surprise! I never heard from him again and I'm still stuck with the telly.

Third attempt at selling the telly: I re-re-listed it, a successful bid and we exchanged emails and phone calls. Then.... disaster struck. I was sitting at home waiting for the buyer, when I received a text from his girlfriend saying they had been in a serious car accident and were in hospital!

The buyer is in fact alive, but unable to come and collect the telly. So once again I am stuck with this enormous 10-ton widescreen telly which I cannot get rid of. eBay's system prevents you from re-selling an item for 30 days after a successful bid, so each time someone flakes out I have to wait an entire month before I can re-list. I am never using eBay again - it's a nightmare!

Anyone wanna buy a TV?

Blimey it's all been a bit quiet on the misfortune front - looks like 2005 was the year of good luck.

However, 2006 had kicked off with a couple of cracking mishaps:

1. Hogmanay at the Swanns
An otherwise fabulous party was marred slightly during the midnight street ceilidh by Nina Sagrada's sharp high heel colliding with my left shin. OoooOOOOWWW!

2. Food poisoning
After a mere two hours back in the office I started to feel extremely unwell. A dodgy BBC breakfast appears to have brought on food poisoning. This became clear on the way home - I began vomiting Little-Britain-style on platform 2 at the station. Slumped on a grit bin, I watched helplessly as my train left without me as I continued to spew predigested bacon onto the platform, watched by horrified train passengers. Oh, the shame.

3. A near miss
An almost-misfortune: Sarah, my flatmate, was sitting on the bog with her trousers down when I burst into the toilet, seconds away from another projectile vomiting session. We are indeed blessed to have two bogs in our flat, and I made it into the right one just in time for gastric evacuation.

So I start 2006 covered in bits of dried vomit with a black and blue leg. How glamorous.

A fanstastic story told by one of my colleagues (who shall remain nameless) about a family holiday to Spain.

He and his parents were sitting in a café in Spain. They all were suffering from "holiday tummy", which is crucial to this tale. The mother of the family felt a big fart coming on, but being a lady, thought she could let one out quietly.
At this juncture it should be mentioned that the café furniture consisted of plastic chairs, an acoustically hazardous material in such situations. Sure enough, just as the background music faded, mother emitted an ear-popping BRRAAAAP!

It just so happened that at the next table, a Scottish family was having their tapas. The father of the family turned round and said, "Huv that yin oan me, missus!", much to the embarassment of my colleague's mother.

My colleague's father, on the other hand, found this all so desprately funny that he was seized by a laughing fit. He laughed and laughed, long and hard.....

...until he shat himself.

The same fate almost befell me when this tale was related to me.

Moments after posting the story about Wendy's toe, I knocked a mug of steaming organic fairtrade coffee over my keyboard, which promptly stopped working. That must be Karma.

Actually most of it was working, so I could continue working as long as I never typed any words containing the letters "O" or "L" - ever again.

Have just returned from Bromley (Chavsville) with a new keyboard.

Time to blow the dust off the lamentably inactive misfortune report for a toe-curling incident in our flat:

Wendy tripped over the living room rug today, snagged her little toe, and has broken her toe! She is now hobbling around London as her pinkie toe turns black - and there's nothing she can do about it.

She's booked herself on the Trans-Siberian Railway for an epic trip during September, so let's hope it gets better in time or she'll be traversing central Asia in a bath chair!

I'd just like to make it quite clear that neither of the participants in this little misfortune is me.

Flaming Sambucca
This is why you should never get me to drink a flaming sambucca. Ever.



(this isn't actually me by the way)