Xmas day seemed to be going without mishap until... Mum put the Xmas pudding on to cook and we went out for a walk in the park. we came back to find the house filled with smoke and the smoke alarms going berserk.

The pan had boiled dry, the plastic bowl had melted and the kitchen was full of combusting plastic fumes. ´Tis the season to be misfortunate!

At my recent housewarming party, we had a few mishaps:

I have an attractive set of 70s nested glass coffee tables, which I had placed out of the way in my bedroom. Juman see them and obviously confuses them with a stool and plonks his arse on them. The glass smashes
- and it's that old non-safety glass which breaks into lethal, dagger-like shards.

So I spent the next day obsessively hoovering up tiny fragments of broken glass off my bedroom floor. Juman's arse survived the ordeal without a scratch, in case you're concerned, though it deserves a good kicking (I wouldn't really).

And please, no Noddy Holder references - that means you, Colin.

Oh, and Janine was spotted staggering out of Wendy's room into the garden in her knickers to chunder in the bushes. Classy.