Apologies to El Greco (and indeed, Our Lord)

Toilet stigmata
The bog has conked out again after numerous repair attempts. Matthew decided he was going to fix it this morning and I woke up to find him dismantling the cistern. As I was desparate, I didn't fancy waiting for him to complete his DIY task, so I went for a dump.

Helpfully, Matthew had left a piece of chipboard lying on the floor with quarter-inch nails sticking up, which I stood on in bare feet. I am now nursing my new stigmata.

Oh, and Matthew observed that the overflow pipe had not been connected by whoever installed the cistern - "complete stupidity really". Indeed - a bit like leaving quarter-inch nails sticking up on the toilet floor first thing in the morning.

It's Velvet & Paul's wedding next week, and in a fit of being uncharacteristically organised, Janine sorted out our B&B bookings months ago for seven of us. Bless her.

A few weeks ago, Colleen was trying to book a room in the same B&B for the 22nd July, and mentioned he was coming with our party. This seemed to throw the landlady, who seemed to think the dates were different, and then realised that she was in fact fully booked in the wedding week. Colleen just assumed the landlady was a little ditzy and thought nothing of it. We should have seen the signs.

Paul's family coincidentally also booked that same B&B for the wedding, and Paul mentioned to the landlady that funnily enough, some wedding guests were also staying with his family. No, said the landlady, they were actually the only party. Paul told Velvet, who told Wendy, who told me, and we all began to suspect something had gone horribly wrong.

Somehow, Janine had gone and booked the B&B for the wrong week and if Paul had not had that casual conversation with the landlady, we would have turned up and had nowhere to stay.
Janine is of course away in France and cannot be contacted. We may, or may not, see her at the wedding. 
 

Hennamania
Oh bugger, it seemed like a good idea at the time: I got a henna tattoo in Ibiza. Now I've developed a hideous allergic reaction to it and have a weird geometric rash on my arm. Lovely.

Apparently black henna tattoos contain a toxic chemical called P-Phenylenediamine, or PDD for short, which sinks slowly into the skin and causes blisters and sores. Warnings about PDD are "POSSIBLE RISK OF IRREVERSIBLE EFFECTS. POSSIBLE MUTAGEN. TARGET ORGANS: LIVER, KIDNEYS." Oh great.

Read all about it at HennaCrazy.co.uk.... and don't get a henna tattoo!

Submitted by Ginder Sohal

Big bad boil!
Last week to me horror a boil appeared on the side of my face the size of a pea. So being stupid as I am I thought I give a a little squeeze to scare it off. However that idea backfired as it went huge, and the side of my face just ballooned.

The result was having to walk around with people doing B-movie horror screams (mind you I did get me a lot more leg room on the underground carriages). Also Chun mistook my boil for me being involved in a punch up.

When you just boil down to it, you ain't gonna get any sympathy. Oh well, look on the bright side: at least I can audition for the elephant man role.